3rd trimester & full term
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE GRIEVING A
stillbirth
Hi, friend. I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for the loss that has led you here.
Someone you love has heard the words, “There is no heartbeat,” or maybe she stared at an ultrasound screen where your once moving, growing, fully developed baby lay unmoving, lifeless and heart no longer beating or maybe you felt utter stillness where there should have been strong kicks.
Maybe she entered labor with a baby that was fully alive, heart beating perfectly only to learn in the process of bringing him or her into the world that his or her heart had stopped beating. Maybe something went terribly, terribly wrong. I’m so sorry for the ache of empty arms. I’m so sorry for the quiet.
For all of this, I want to say thank you. It is not easy to love someone who is grieving - we, as grieving moms, can be difficult to love and difficult to understand and the relationship will be mostly one-sided for quite some time but I will tell you this: loving her in this season is worth it. It’s worth the tears, the prayers, the seemingly fruitless and thankless endeavors.
So thank you for taking this step to show up and care. Thank you for praying for her, for being willing to be patient with her, and for reminding her that her grief is valid and that she, and her baby, are loved. Forever. Thank you again. I pray these resources give you hope today.
xo, Ashlee
about 3rd trimester or full-term stillbirth
common questions
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Every story and every loss is unique. Not all types of 3rd trimester losses are listed here. But these are a good starting point if you want to understand more.
The 3rd trimester is between 29-40+ weeks in a woman’s pregnancy. Full term is between 39 weeks and 40 weeks and 6 days. Late-term or postterm are terms used after 41 weeks.
If a baby dies in utero after 20 weeks, or during labor or ch
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Your friend is hurting. She needs people to love her, no matter how her grief looks. One of the most common phrases we hear from grieving moms is this: “I feel so alone.” People often avoid saying something to her out of fear that they’ll cause more pain. The grieving moms in our community often feel like people are tip-toeing around them or like they’re rushing, judging, or simply… forgetting her pain. Continuing to show up without judgment and with patience and care will be so important for the long haul.
For now, here are some ideas for you. Meet a practical need - offering something specific like setting up a meal train or dropping off a bag of groceries and toilet paper on her door step. Say something. Text her or send her a card saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you and I’m here to talk about it - or not talk about it - when you’re ready.” (It doesn’t have to be complicated!) Then pray for her. You can learn more about how to help with this free download, Part 1 of our Guide: How to Help a Grieving Friend by clicking here.
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Every woman who loses a baby is different. So let’s start with what grief is.
March of Dimes gives this really helpful definition: "Grief is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies. You may find it hard to believe that your baby died. You may want to shout or scream or cry. You may want to blame someone. Or you may want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times, your feelings may seem more than you can handle. You may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. You may get sick easily with colds and stomach aches and have trouble concentrating. All of these are part of grief."
When you’re grieving, you don't have to be afraid of grieving a certain way or not grieving a certain way. No feeling is “too much” or “not enough.” Everyone grieves differently, and that’s okay. It’s important that the grieving mom allows herself to feel as she’s feeling and know that those feelings may ebb and flow over time.
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Not everyone would like help in these moments, but some moms do. If she has learned that her baby is no longer living and she has time to prepare for labor & delivery, we have a free Hospital Bag Checklist here that may help make her stay more comfortable and give her space for treasuring the moments she will have with her baby. It may help her to have a close friend or family member help with that list of things (especially if she’s already in the hospital) as she is likely in a moment of shock and making deicions about what to bring will feel very daunting. Ask her if she would like any help with any of this before you jump in.
As her friend or family, you may also want to help her contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to find a professional photographer who is specially trained to capture her baby in a beautiful way. You can also print out our free Memory Making & Photo Checklist to help her make sure she remembers and gets to do things like bathe her baby, swaddle her baby, read baby a book, sing a song, get baby’s footprints and handprints. All of these things she will treasure so much as she does them and after but may not be in a frame of mind to be thinking about them until prompted.
Remember - she may not want your help or to do any of this, and that’s okay, too.
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Funerals or memorial services can be healing to grieving families. Some families choose to honor their baby’s life with a large gathering, others choose something more private, and others choose not to have a service at all. These services can give parents a chance to mark the significance of what they’ve experienced and can be a step towards healing for many women.
If you are helping to plan the funeral, we do have a few resources for you. Our funeral planning resources can help her (and you) through this tender process. Some areas you may be able to help with are: being the point of contact for the funeral home or church or offering to provide food, flowers, decorations, or funeral programs.
Remember - not everyone wants this kind of help. But if you are invited into. this sacred event, you can be a true blessing for her.
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The short answer is: there’s no timeline for grief. Every grieving mom is different. To understand what she’s thinking a little bit more, you might enjoy listening to this episode on The Joyful Mourning Podcast in our Conversations with a Grieving Mom miniseries. We address this question and many more!
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This is such a kind question and, like we’ve said before, every grieving mom is different. But there are some generalizations that most grieving moms would agree with. We hear from so many women that silence is worse than someone fumbling over their words, so a simple, “I’m so sorry,” will go a long way. To learn more, click here!
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Yes, of course you are. You love her and you love her baby, too. While you can share with her that you’re feeling the sadness with her, we would encourage you to offer comfort to those closest to the loss (the grieving mom, dad, and living children if applicable) and seek personal comfort from those who are as removed as you are or further removed. This episode about grief may be helpful for you, too, as you navigate your own grief!
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It’s hard to know exactly how your friend will respond to this. Some grieving moms want space from those who have the things they’ve now lost. Other grieving moms want to still be included in normal conversations and updates about others’ families. Sometimes things hit unexpectedly.
Please know that you don’t need to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty for having a healthy pregnancy or living children. Of course she wants you and your babies to be healthy. For many, it’s. just a reminder of what she’s lost.
It’s helpful to be sensitive in this time. If you’re unsure how she feels, ask her. It’s okay to say something like, “I know this may be hard, but I want you to know that I love you and I care about you. How can I continue to be your friend in this season?” Sometimes asking via text where she can respond in private first can be helpful.
If she says needs space, I know that’s hard. But it likely won’t be like this forever. You can always check back in at a later date.
We’re praying for you as you navigate this tension with your friend.
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Thank you for wanting to share our resources filled with hope, support, and community with her! It’s important to remember that she may not want extra support right now, and that’s okay. We would recommend gently sharing about us without pressuring her to get connected.
When she’s ready, she may find our Resource Bundle the most helpful, which she can download on our website. You can send her a text, email, or a card saying something like, “I just wanted to let you know of a ministry for grieving women that I’ve found helpful, in case you’d like to check it out. The website is www.themorning.com in case you’d like to see what they have to offer. I love you, and I’m praying for you.”
“I love the encouragement and hope that comes from the other mums who have shared their grief stories and how they have found hope and healing to move on.”
— Simiso, Stillbirth Mom
top resources
when you love someone who had a 3rd TRIMESTER OR full term stillbirth
What I Wish You Knew About Stillbirth
01
10 Do’s & Don’t’s for How to Love a Grieving Friend
02
03
Conversations with a Grieving Mom Mini-Series
Sisters Share About 1st Trimester Loss & 3rd Trimester Loss
04
Gift Guide for Grieving Moms
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On The morning Blog
in the morning shop
06
How to Love a Grieving Friend
Give the gift of comfort, hope, and support for the long haul with
the forget-me-not gift box
a curated care package for women grieving a stillbirth
“My favorite part of The Morning is the podcast. Especially in the early months of my grief, hearing other women verbalize what I was thinking and feeling brought me immeasurable comfort. I felt like I made friends by just hearing others' journeys and knowing I wasn't alone. It was especially comforting to hear of others who were further down the road in their journey--to know that there was hope that my grief wouldn't always feel so all consuming. I also appreciate the emails and blog posts with practical ways to cope with grief and remember your baby(ies). I have referred to these when I am especially missing my baby and during harder seasons like the holidays.”
— Nicole, Stillbirth Mom
